My Marriage Story...To Russ, With Love

 I have debated what to write on this, my marriage anniversary post. I love Russ so much. I am married to the perfect man for me, and he treats me like a queen. I could tell you all of the wonderful things about our life together, and there are many of them, but for some reason, I feel like I should share our “story” as it was, because there may be someone out there that needs to hear it.

We were married 24 years ago, on April 12, 1986 at The Silver Bells Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. It was my husband’s 2nd marriage, and my first and only one. We had met 2 years before, at work, and I fell hard for him.  After dating for 2 years, I should’ve known better (yes, I really wrote that) but I agreed to marry this handsome but troubled young man.

My parents were opposed to the marriage. They could see what I refused to. They could see the heartache down the road. I was in love, and there was no way I would change my mind. It almost proved my undoing. I would venture to tell you now, that I made this choice, consciously, although naively too.

Within the first year of our marriage, I came to realize that Russ had an addiction problem. I was very “Nancy Reagan” about it, and I don’t mean that derogatively, but my attitude was to “just say no”.  I was unaware of the power of addiction.

Our first son was born in  Feb. of 1988. We had just separated when I found out I was pregnant with him. Of course, I wanted to make it work, and so did Russ, so he made promises and we got back together. He later told me that he stayed sober until Ryan was born. They call it “white knuckling”, which means you're doing without drugs with clinched fists. He also told me that the night our son was born, he went  home from the hospital and got high.

Six months later, we separated again. After a short period of time, Russ agreed to go into drug rehab. It was while he was there that I learned so much more about the power of addiction. My heart ached for the parents of the young adults in the program. I realized, that as a spouse, I could walk away, but as a parent, you could never walk away.

We got back together, and almost before we knew it, I was pregnant with our 2nd son.  Around the same time, I found out my husband was using again. He said he would stop, and I wanted to believe it was just a “slip” as they say, so we stayed together.  We decided to move to the desert, to get away from his friends who were using, and start anew.

I started attending a church that had a program for the families of friends or family members in recovery, and it was such a great help to me. Russ, was commuting, as he needed to keep his job and the insurance we had.  We weren’t together all of the time, and I was beginning to worry.  Our son was born in July of 89, and 2 months later, realizing that he was indeed using again, we separated once more.

I was raised in a Christian home, and had accepted Christ as a child. I had attended church all of my life. I had been wayward though, my marriage was proof of that. Now, here I was in a new town, with two young children, and few friends. My parents, who had retired to this area a few years before, were wonderful, but I didn’t want to depend on them for everything. It was during this time that I finally began to rely on God.

That’s why this isn’t a sad story. God began to work in my life, as Russ continued his downward spiral. His drug addiction was severe. The worst kind. You name it, he was using it. My biggest fear became the fact that I might someday have to tell my boys that their dad had died of a drug overdose.

God started teaching me things. One of the things he taught me was that I was arrogant, that I thought my sins were “less than” my husbands sins because mine were less obvious. I mean, he’d left his family, he was the addict. I was taking care of our children and keeping things together. God doesn't view things quite the way we do though. It was during this time that God began teaching me that in His eyes, my sins were the same as my husband’s and that I had nailed Christ to that cross just as much as Russ had.  God began to change my heart and I begin to forgive Russ. I began to believe that God could work this for good, although I had no idea how. And work He did.

It was nearly Christmas, and Russ called me to say that he was coming to visit and bring me money. I told him that I knew that God would not let him continue to live this way. There were 3 things that could happen. 1) He would turn his life around, 2) He would end up in jail, or 3) He would die of an overdose. That was it, those were the only options. He muttered something and then hung up.

Right then and there, I got down on my knees and said “God, have at him. Do whatever it takes to bring him to his knees…but please, spare his life.” This last part was selfish. I didn’t really think that we would get back together, but I still didn’t want my boys to live with the stigma of their father dying of an overdose. I also still loved Russ.

That night, I got a phone call. It was from Russ, and he was in jail. Sometimes God works quickly. He wasn’t just in jail for the night though. Because it was holiday time, he would have to spend both Christmas and New Year’s there (unless someone bailed him out) because they weren’t conducting court during that time. I fully believe God spared my husband’s life that night. If you had seen the way he looked at that time, you would know that he was at death’s door. Since no one was bailing him out, he had to stay.

While in jail, he had nothing to do, and started attending church services. Yes, they had them there for the men, twice a day in fact. He made a decision to commit his life to God. He didn’t get out until after the first of the year, and shortly afterward, we got back together. God orchestrated this, but I can tell you that it wasn’t easy. Sobriety wasn’t easy for him and trust wasn’t easy for me. Addiction manifests itself in many different ways, and forgiveness is not a "one-time" thing, especially in a marriage. We had some very difficult years after that, struggling in our marriage, but God prevailed, and we've had quite a few good years now :)

That's why this is Our Love Story, and if you or anyone you know is going through something similar, I want you to know there is hope. My husband did struggle with the problems of addiction, but his is still a success story. Success brought about by a great and glorious God who changes lives. He is the best husband I could ask for, he loves me dearly, and is a wonderful father to our children. Russ loves the Lord with all his heart now, and is teaching our children to do the same. I cannot imagine my life without him. My parents also adore him too! Of course, there is much of the story I'm not sharing here. The pain of loving an addict and all that goes with it is NOT something I'd want anyone else to experience, but please know that Jesus can prevail and change even the worse situations we can imagine into blessings for His glory!

 We had decided to celebrate our anniversary today, since Russ has to work tomorrow. This morning I woke to find these:

                                                  Yes, I know I'm loved :-)

We went out to dinner at  Red Lobster. Ten years ago we went there for our 14th anniversary. I’d just had an ultrasound a few hours before, and we found out we were expecting twins. Our youngest two children. We’ve had 6 together and they’re all blessings to us. My husband also has an older son from his first marriage. A wonderful young man with a beautiful family of his own now. This is not the story of an addict. This is the story of God and the beautiful things He does.

If you’ve stayed with me until the end of this long post, thank you for reading. If you know anyone in similar circumstances, be encouraged. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. Russ shares his story with anyone who needs help, and he encouraged me when I wanted to share it here.

I am so thankful for the wonderful man I’m married to, and to God for the blessings He gives …in spite of me.

I love you RussMyHoney :)

Blessings,
Marcia